All About My Knees

Okay, so I’ve been letting this stir for a few days because I’m not really sure how I feel right now. This is just such an awkward situation and it’s so overwhelming for me sometimes. It’s hard to understand but I just feel so stuck right now because of this whole knee nonsense. It’s ridiculous.

Being injured is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re an elite runner, a stay at home mom, or a baker. When you cannot stand on your own two feet, it sucks.

My MRI results did come back good which is a positive. No meniscus tears. No ligament problems. However, my surgeon believes there are crystals leftover in my synovial fluid from my first surgery. You know? The substance my body rejected; therefore, the inflammation and bleeding in my joint is most likely caused by my body attacking and being completely pissed about the particles being there. I was put on a medication to hopefully dissolve them, but if they don’t dissolve I have to get another surgery to flush out my knee. Whomp, whomp. Why can’t this just go away?

And another sad note because I guess I’m just wallowing in my own self-pity… my other knee is bothering the crap out of me. I’ll wake up in the morning and my skin over my knee is red and it just feels really stiff. The worst part is I’ve exhausted everything to do and try to fix the plica without surgery. It bothers me whether I’m standing, sitting, or laying down. I can’t escape it. It’s quite possibly one of the most annoying injuries because I feel it all the time and your leg feels wobbly because of the inflammation. It’s pretty much driving me nuts and causing me to have panic attacks which are no joke. I start feeling the pain, realize I’ve tried everything to fix it. Consider surgery, heart starts racing. Panic about possible surgery, get dizzy. Overwhelmed by pain, ears start to hurt. Then, I lay down. I never thought I’d be a person with anxiety problems.

I understand things could be worse, but things are just really bad for me. Yeah, other people have it a lot worse, but this is interfering with my entire life and all of the goals I’ve set for myself. Another school year is approaching and I’ll be out again. Student loans are coming in and I can’t pay them. I just feel so useless and such a burden to my parents it’s ridiculous. I don’t contribute anything positive to the world at all.

Sigh. I’m just missing out on so much and I’m just tired of always being a Debbie downer. Maybe I’ll talk more about this tomorrow. Or whenever I post next. I have a lot on my mind.

Have a great Sunday and do something fun for me!

15 thoughts on “All About My Knees

  1. It really does stink you have to go through this. I can’t even imagine what you go through every day. I really hope this medicine works for you so you don’t have to resort to another surgery. Keeping you in my thoughts, girl! Even though I’ve never been in your shoes, I do know how frustrating it can be to not find answers. Hopefully this is it!

    • It really is just a struggle each day and it IS so frustrating when you don’t know the answers. I hate things I can’t control which makes this situation worse. I’m trying SO hard to make things better for myself but it doesn’t seem to be me who can do the fixing. Thank you for the thoughts <3

  2. It definitely is frustrating to feel like you’re doing everything you can do and abilities and answers are still lacking. I hope it’s helping to get it out on the blog. I’ve enjoyed reading along and thanks for keeping it real :)

  3. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this. I can only imagine how frustrating it must feel to want answers so badly and not be getting any. I know it’s hard NOT to feel anxious, especially because things feel out of your control. But maybe you can actually take some comfort in knowing that the situation is out of your hands. All you need to do is stay calm, put your faith in your doctors and God (I’m not sure if you’re religious), and stay as positive as you can. I’ll be praying that you get the answers you’ve been seeking.

  4. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this hard time. Don’t give up!! I know you must be insanely frustrated at everything that you’re dealing with, but I think you are definitely contributing positively to the world! Your blog makes me smile and I’m cheering for you. Hang in there!

  5. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now… Or just come over and watch chick flicks and hang out. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through hun. Pain can really suck the life out of you, especially when you’ve been dealing with it for so long. Hopefully answers are on their way soon…

  6. Kate says:

    well if something is going to give you anxiety, um, I think the knee issues would do it! I read this and wish there were something, anything I could do…ugh. I know (on a much smaller scale of course) how frustrating it is to STILL feel pain and NOT have answers and not have any more possible roads to turn down and try…and yeah, you’re right, it’s messing with you’re life and regardless of what anyone else is going through, THAT SUCKS. don’t let anyone tell you that someone else has it worse, honestly minimizing the pain you feel is probably the opposite of helpful at this point. Let me know when you want me to take you out for some froyo though!

  7. I am so sorry about all you have going on with your knees. I can totally understand your anger and frustration! I hope you find answers and get better soon. In the mean time keep snuggling that cute dog of yours! Thinking of you!

  8. I feel so awful for you! I can only imagine how frustrated you must be. You are def allowed to be a bit of a downer. I sure would be! You should spoil yourself a little!! Be kind to yourself! Hang in there! Sending positive thoughts your way

  9. Gosh. So sorry lovie. I can only imagine how frustrated you must be. Just think positive and try to hang in there! Maybe try to do something fun with friends like a movie night? Have some girls over, eat lots of popcorn, and watch some hot guys on the tv :)

  10. I wish I could give you a hug right now! I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I know the pain can totally be a game changer in life, but you’re strong and I really hope some answers and positive news will be heading your way! You deserve it. I can relate to the panic/anxiety I’ve had panic disorder for 4 years now, which has lead to possibly 7 stints in the hospital because I think I’m dying – so if you ever need a lending ear on this subject feel free to e-mail me haha. I totally feel you on that one! Hugs!

    • Thanks, girl. I’ll definitely e-mail you if things start to get a little scary. It’s the WORST when I’m in a public setting and I just feel like my whole body is just going to shut off. I just feel like I’m suddenly going to just go. It’s bad.

  11. I’m glad the MRI results came back with no tears, that’s a plus.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You have a lot of feelings and emotions going on and no one can blame you for that. Just know you can always vent, sometimes it’s good to process things and see how you feel and others its better to just vent even if it means not coming across as suzie sunshine…I like that I get the real you and not some fake version!

    • I wouldn’t wish this on even my WORST enemy. It just feels like it keeps going and going. Thanks, girl. I appreciate people who are real, too, so I’m glad people will deal with the bad side of things as well as the good. Shows true friendships, anyway!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s