When is my “new day”?

So, I went to my appointment on Thursday. Let’s just jump into this saying I left in tears. Yeah, it’s that kind of an appointment. What else is new, right?

There is a pattern with the way things go for me and I just don’t understand it. It starts with me getting some kind of surgery and about two weeks into the recovery, I notice things just aren’t getting better and things aren’t going in the right direction. There’s just something off.

Well, at my appointment on Thursday my surgeon indeed clarified my belief things were not where they should be at this point in time. My knee is still significantly swollen and it doesn’t seem to be going down. When I bend my knee, you can feel the fluid moving around but after three different attempts to getting the fluid out… It came out dry. Nothing. My surgeon looked as pained as I did because he is trying so hard to make things better. Evidentally, the fluid after surgery can become encapsulated and it just so happens he can’t quite get the little bubble going around in my knee.

In positive news, I don’t have bone cancer or anything of the sort.

In negative news, I feel like there is no one who can help me. I came home completely numb. It’s such a scary feeling to think this may be irreversible. There are some conditions out there where no one knows what’s going on. And what if I’m the one?

It just seems as though it’s just not worth it. I’m talking about life. All of it. I get up every day in the same situation (or worse) as the day before and it’s just too much to take sometimes. I mean, really, the way my life is going… I don’t look forward to a day, month, or year from now. It has been a full year since I came home from college and all I can remember doing is waiting, sitting, crying, and trying to recover from multiple surgeries.

It’s really all too much. It’s so hard to live and WANT to live in pain. And it’s even harder to watch everyone else live their lives around you but you’re just stuck in the same scenario time and time again. Today is never a “new day” for me.

It’s rough.

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19 thoughts on “When is my “new day”?

  1. Oh Lauren. I’m so sorry to hear this again. I’m still praying and hoping more positive answers will come your way because you deserve them.
    I know it must be frustrating to keep experiencing this, and to remain with a positive attitude but it could be worse you know.
    Eventually things will make a turn a round, I believe you’ll find answers eventually!
    Keep your head up lovely!

  2. Oh dear. You poor thing! I feel bad because it seems like these surgeries are supposed to be making you BETTER and these obstacles keep getting in the way. How did you leave things with the surgeon? Do you have a follow-up? Does he have any advice or does he not really know? :(

  3. Lauren… there is so much more to life than your knee. It is tough, and my heart aches for you because you’re exactly right- I read your story and after every surgery, a few weeks later, you have a setback. But… we have a race here coming up that benefits athletes who have had limbs removed, things like that make me think. Or some of the parents I know who have very sick children with possibly deadly illnesses such as cancers, or my friend’s baby who had a stroke and is now having seizures. And yeah, you know all about that… I do too… and it doesn’t make what you’re going through any easier or any less important. But what I’m saying is… this is your knee. It is not Lauren. There is more to you and your life than the knee and the medical concerns.

    I guess it’s like that quote I read, your body does not have a soul. You are a soul that happens to be inside a body.

    I’m not sure what to tell you to do about surgeons, besides getting second opinions. I almost want to say to try a completely different medical route or group of doctors in general- kinda like how people end up at a homeopathic doctor after trying so many MDs. I do hope you figure out something.

  4. Oh hun :( I’m so sorry to hear that your knee isn’t getting any better… It really breaks my heart to see you so upset. I’ve never had to deal with multiple surgeries, but I know how frustrating it can be to have something going wrong with your body and not having any idea what it can be. Sending you huge hugs, love. And I’m always here if you need to talk <3 <3

  5. My heart breaks for you. I wish there were something I could do.. anything!! No person as beautiful as you deserves to deal with this much pain, disappointment, frustration, or sadness. I know it’s not easy, and you just want to scream.. but honey try to keep your head up high & know you have so many people rooting for you that things get better sooner rather than later <3 <3

  6. I don’t comment often, but with every post you publish I become more and more dedicated to cheering you on with your recovery. Don’t give up…you’re too strong for that. It’s hard, and it fucking sucks, and I know you feel helpless….but just have hope that something will change, because as much as the past has shown otherwise, you have no idea what the future holds.

    Hang in there my dear.

  7. new reader here, I hope you you are feeling better. I’m so sorry to hear this awful news, but I hope you hang in there and find something else that can bring you joy. My sister has no feeling in her left leg and it’s creepy over to her right. I know she deals with a lot of down days, but she always finds the good in her art. I’m praying for you!

  8. I don’t want to say “I know how you feel” because of course I don’t but oh man my heart goes out to you! I know someone above said that “there is more to life than your knee”….well I see what she’s getting at but personally? It’s like your knee is ruining your life. You can’t do any of the things you love, it’s a huge damper on your social life – and no one has figured it out yet! Of COURSE you are depressed and feeling like life isn’t worth it, any of us would be! So for what it’s worth, you deserve to feel upset and pissed and angry at the world. But I don’t want you to give up. When I had my hip issue last year, I thought that no one could figure it out. Turns out I just needed a guy who specialized in hips to look at the MRI and see it differently than all the other people who’d looked at it. I’m not suggesting in the slightest that your situation is that simple – it might take going out of state to NY or Boston, trying to find the best surgeon in the country – but there HAS to be an answer out there! There’s this quote that goes something like, most people don’t realize how close they were to success when they gave up – I don’t want you to give up. Keep searching for an answer, because though you might not see it, you ARE worth it. <3

    • The hardest thing is I found a doctor I’m really comfortable with and who is doing EVERYTHING to help. It’s literally to the point I’ve been tested for everything but no one knows what the hell is going on. And thank you for saying this is my life, you hit the nail on the head. It’s not so easy to get over when it’s ruining everything you’ve set up for yourself.

  9. I am praying for you and your doctors!
    I’m so so sorry that you are going through this. I do know that there is a reason that you are going through this and that you will come out so much stronger. You are so brave and an inspiration to me!
    Take care!
    xoxo,
    Katherine

  10. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? This is starting to frustrate ME, so I can’t even imagine how you feel. You are so strong, and it IS worth it. you just have to push on through. Sounds like you need to come vacation at the beach this summer :)

  11. This really is disheartening news, but it’s not the end. Perhaps it’s time for you to put your focus elsewhere. The knee problems are not being solved right now, so focus on something else. You won’t be able to run, or do anything crazy in the workout world..but if you continue to do the same things day in and out and wish for something that isn’t going to happen life will continue to waste away. I say this because I have been in a similar situation (not with body injuries, but more so with being stuck in a mental rut) I know it’s easier said than done, but taking that leap and trusting that things will work out helps tremendously.

    Give your knees a break with the surgeries, take it easy, but do whatever you can within your physical limits to get out and start changing the way your days are going!! Don’t you dare do anything stupid..and keep your head up!! If you ever need to talk, shoot me an email and we can Skype, or phone chat!! THINKING of you!

    • I’m trying to do other things but I can’t keep my mind off of it because I can’t go and DO something. It’s hard with a knee injury because I can’t get up and place myself in a different environment. I’m confined to my house and ice packs :( I’m trying but you’re right… It’s A LOT easier said than done. Thanks for offering help if I need it. <3

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